


For Everything, A Reason

by mereenuh



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Sexual Tension, Sexuality Crisis, a lot of swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-12
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-01-12 02:14:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1180701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mereenuh/pseuds/mereenuh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I thought I had everything figured out until some asshole used asking my sister out as a coverup for asking me out.  Now I can't remember if I usually stared at other guys' butts this much.  This is how Jean Kirchstein messed with my definition of "screw you".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Retrace

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written anything and published it. I'm just hopelessly in love with SNK and it's characters. Please be forgiving.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh how I've tried to get you out of my head  
> And I lied, the broken words I said  
> Never thought I'd walk on this street again  
> Standing where it all began"- Anberlin

“Hey Jaeger,” I heard a familiar voice call from somewhere behind me.  _Shit,_ I thought, _Kirchstein._ I walked faster, almost making it across the quad before his hand clamped down on my shoulder, slightly dislodging my backpack and effectively stopping me.

“Jaeger, did you not hear me calling your name?” Jean fucking Kirchstein huffed as I turned to face him.  His stupid two-toned hair was messed up from the wind that had been blowing leaves off the trees all day.

“Yeah, Jean, I heard you,” I said, shrugging his hand off my shoulder and hiking my backpack back up, “I just don’t give a fuck.”

He recoiled at that, “Jae- Eren, dude, I didn’t do _anything_ to you this time.”

“You fucking asked my sister out! She’s explicitly told you that she has no fucking interest in you and you still fucking asked her out anyway!” Several people turned their heads as I raised my voice and one girl even stopped and began staring when I shoved Jean fucking Kirchstein away from me.

“Mikasa’s in a relationship anyway, you dick.” I called over my shoulder as I viciously yanked the door of the building to my three o’clock class open.

When I dumped my bag next to my bed at six-thirty I nearly punched the wall.  The only thing that stopped me was the fact that they were cinderblock and I didn’t want to have to explain to Mikasa why my hand was broken.  Jean fucking Kirchstein was such an _ass._

I barked out a laugh when I remembered that the night Mikasa had called me to tell me about Jean’s botched attempt to ask her out was the day before her four month anniversary.  I guess if you tried hard enough you could go through life with blinders on, like a horse, and _man did Jean have the face for it._   How could you not see that Mikasa and Annie were dating? It was pretty fucking obvious to everyone and their mother.

I pressed my head into my pillow, staring at the bunk above me.  It was well into October and my roommate had dropped out a month ago, giving me a room to myself.  This was just as well, though I couldn’t fathom dropping out of the University of Sina in your sophomore year with tuition as costly as it was.

A knock at my door interrupted my reverie.  I waited for a moment to see if my visitor would announce themself.  Silence.

“Coming,” I grunted, closely avoiding smacking my head on the upper bunk as I swung my legs around to unlock my door.

“Hey Eren, I heard what happened with Jean today and I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk or anything.”

“Hey Annie, how’d you hear?” I asked, stepping aside to let her into my room.

“Please,” she snorted, setting down a brown paper bag with handles and sitting in the extra desk chair, “You forget that I am the queen on campus and my two best friends happen to be the two actual biggest queens.  They heard you shouting at Kirchstein and told me.”  She reached into the bad and started pulling out take out containers.

“Please tell me that is Thai,” my mouth started watering as she smiled, still pulling out food.

“I’m not a heathen, of course it’s Thai,” she surveyed the take out containers and looked over at me, “Where are your paper plates?” I scrambled over to the empty closet where I put all my nonessential shit.  Paper plates weren’t something I needed on an every day basis, after all and the reason I had them was because of Annie.

“Annie,” I said, finally realizing how much food there actually was, “who else is coming?”

“Armin and Mikasa.”

“Oh,” That was fine.  My best friend and my older sister.  I could handle that.  I couldn’t handle my friend throwing a party in my dorm.

Right on cue there was a knock on the door and a slightly muffled, “Eren, open up your door!” from Armin.  I heard cans knocking against each other.

“Why didn’t you two come together, anyway?” I asked Mikasa and Annie after food had been sensibly dished out and we were all sitting on my floor.

She flipped her dark hair over her shoulder to avoid getting sauce on it.  “Armin didn’t want to get yelled at and you don’t yell at Annie.  It just seemed smarter to send her.”  I tucked my head against my chest, ashamed.  My temper preceded me.

“Just get laid,” Annie said from her position on the floor.  I turned my head to see that she had folded her hoodie into a pillow and was now close to dozing off as Mikasa petted her hair.  I shuddered.  They were cute together, and I was glad I could introduce my sister to one of my good friends, but they were sometimes _too_ happy together.

Armin thankfully started choking on something too spicy for him at that exact moment.  I handed him a new beer, “Some of us aren’t in a relationship, Annie.” I said, cracking the tab of another shitty lite for myself.

Annie sat up at that, startling Mikasa.  “What if your problem is that you need to fuck Jean?”

The four of us were silent save for the carbonation in our drinks.

“Excuse me?” I spluttered.

“Annie, I don’t think-” Armin started before coughing again, “Annie, if Eren and Jean were left alone in a room together for more than five minutes they’d rip each other’s heads off.” He finished once he regained his composure.

Mikasa just sort of sat there, a look I knew very well on her face.  Even if we weren’t related by blood, we had grown up together, fought together, gotten in trouble together.  My older sister had gotten me out of more shit than I could ever repay her for, but the look on her face made me think she was about to throw me to the wolves.

“Eren,” she started, “When was the last time-”

“This has been really fun you guys and as much as I’d like to discuss my sexual endeavors with my two best friends and my sister, I think it’s time everyone went home.” I scrambled to my feet; collecting empty beer cans and take out containers and stuffing them into the paper bag Annie had brought them in.  Armin hopped up to help me and I heard the two girls shuffling around, putting on their shoes and shrugging on their coats.  I was fine with cleaning up the mess we’d made if it meant Mikasa dropped the subject of me and sex.

I hugged my sister and Annie goodnight as they left.  Mikasa gave me a knowing look and I suppressed a sigh.  It wasn’t over.  It never was with her.

Armin was seated in my desk chair, munching on an almond cookie.

“Why do they give out almond cookies with Thai food anyway?” he asked, crumbs falling onto his sweater.

I shrugged, tying the drawstrings on the garbage bag stuffed with the night’s trash.  Surprisingly enough, nights like this were more common that not.  Having a single room meant now we all ended up here most of the time and Annie’s dad didn’t really care what she spent money as long as she maintained her grades.

“Do you think I should try and put this in the dumpster now or wait until morning?” It was close to one o’clock in the morning and CamPo would probably smell the beer I’d spilled on my jeans if I ran into them.  Knowing my luck it would be Zackly who busted me.  “You spending the night, dude?” I asked Armin, deciding that I wouldn’t be able to stand the smell of rotting food in my room.

He hesitated before answering, “I, uh—“

What? It wouldn’t be the first time he crashed here and he was a little tipsy and Connie would be an asswipe and ask where he’d gotten booze and why he hadn’t been invited.  “What is it?”

“I was gonna go see that person I’ve been going out with…” Armin mumbled around a mouthful of cookie.

“When are you gonna let me meet her?” I asked, not bothered in the slightest.  I was happy for him.  I left the bag by the door; maybe I could ask Armin to take it with him if he was leaving.

“The thing is, uh, they’re not exactly, um,” Armin wasn’t meeting my eye.  Armin was stalling.  _Armin was embarrassed._

“Dude,” I said, leaning back in the other desk chair and spreading my arms wide.  I took psych last year.  Apparently this was supposed to make the other person feel less threatened.

Armin heaved a huge breath in, “They’re in their thirties and they’re actually a guy.” He put the unfinished half of his cookie on the desk and put his head down next to it so hard I was worried he’d cracked his skull open.

“Cool.  What’s his name?”

“What?” His head flew back up and now I was afraid of vertigo.

“Like, do I know him? Is he from somewhere I would know?” I asked nonchalantly, swinging slightly in my chair.  “You weren’t worried I was gonna say something about them being a dude, were you? I mean, you’ve gotta remember I set Annie and Mikasa up, right?  Gay doesn’t really bother me, man.” He started to say something, screwing his face up in protest, “Neither does the age thing.” He looked relieved after I said that.  “I still want to meet him.”

Armin snorted, “What are you, my mom?”

“Someone’s gotta watch out for you.” I laughed while he muttered something about Mikasa doing a better job at mothering both of us.  I had to agree.

He got up to leave and was even gracious to take the trash bag with him.  I crossed the room and laid down on top of my bedspread.  Today had been kind of shitty, what with Jean fucking Kirchstein running into me, but other than that I was okay.

My phone buzzed on my desk; I expertly ducked my head under the bunk in a way I only managed after I’d had a few beers to drink.  The bright screen read “MIKASA” and hurt my eyes.  I answered it despite knowing my sister was about to instigate something.

“First of all, did you make it home okay?” I asked, wondering if maybe she _wasn’t_ going to instigate something.

“Yeah, I’m back.  Same old shitty off-campus housing.  Mina, say hi!” I heard a distant hello from somewhere in the apartment Mikasa rented with three other girls.  “Anyway, Eren, I have an idea.”

“No way, Mikasa, no way,” I sighed, laying back down on my bed.

“Does Jean even know who I’m going out with?”

“I—“ I actually didn’t know.  I thought it was pretty obvious, with how Mikasa and Annie acted.  But thinking about it, I realized they didn’t go out together very often.  They didn’t live together, they ate off campus most of the time, Annie had been hanging out with Reiner and Bertholdt and not dating anyone all of last year.  Mikasa had transferred after two years back home at Shiganshina Community College, so she was new this year to everyone except me, Armin and Annie.

“Eren, are you still there?”

“What? Yeah, yeah I’m here.” I said, “I was just thinking.”

“Be careful, that’s dangerous for you.” I heard her snickering.

“Whatever,”

“So what’d you figure out?”

“That Jean really doesn’t have any way of knowing you and Annie have been going out for four months?” I said, even though it wasn’t a question.

“Bingo,” I could hear her smile through the phone and it was not for me, “Now, with that in mind, do you want to try talking to Jean?”

I sat up and hit my head for the first time that night, “Why the _fuck_ would I voluntarily talk to Jean fucking Kirchstein?”

“You did blow up at him on the quad.”

“It was in front of the astronomy building.”

“More than five people have asked me what’s going on.”

“Why are they asking you!”

“Because you get like this, Eren! You get so defensive!” Mikasa hissed into her phone.  I guessed her roommates had all gone to bed.  It was two-thirty now.  And Mikasa was right.  I couldn’t help my temper.  She was one of the only people who would put up with me and I still flipped out on her.

“I still don’t understand why I need to talk to him,” I grumbled, not wanting to acknowledge the outburst.

“Just trust me on this one, okay?” she sighed, but she wasn’t mad.  Mikasa never got mad at me and that made her a saint in my book.

“I always trust you, Mikasa,” I told her, smiling a little.

“I know you do,” was her reply.

We talked a little more, but it was just to kill time.  Mikasa had insomnia and I didn’t want her sitting up alone or straining her eyes because she was reading in the dark.  She caught me yawning for the fourth time and said goodnight.  I only protested a little, because in truth I had nodded off more than once during our conversation.

“Goodnight, Mikasa,” I mumbled, or at least I thought I did.

“’Night, Eren.  Don’t forget to talk to Jean.” She said before hanging up.

I fell asleep with her words echoing in my ears, quickly replaced by a dream.

Speed dating.  Why the hell would I be dreaming about speed dating? I looked around at the people who were there, expecting a bunch of sad, old geezers.  Mikasa sat next to me, Armin on my other side.  The person in front of me didn’t have a face and for some reason that didn’t really bother me.  I didn’t recognize anyone else.  No one else had a face.

Suddenly the people on the other side of the tables began moving too fast for me to register their faces.  Just as quickly, they stopped.  I looked over at Mikasa and Armin.  Annie and Mikasa were engaged in a conversation, Annie had her hands on the table, and Mikasa was laughing at some joke she had just told.  Armin sat across from someone I vaguely recognized as our freshman seminar teacher, Erwin Smith.  Mr. Smith was smiling softly as Armin talked energetically about something.

The person sitting in front of me cleared their throat.  I whipped my head around to see who it was, but just then—

“Fuck!” I yelled, the shrieking alarm of my phone rudely waking me.  I scrambled to turn it off.  It was Thursday, my classes were late today; why was I awake at 7 AM? I looked at my phone and noticed the name of the alarm: “TALK TO JEAN”.

“Goddammit, Mikasa.” I mumbled, throwing my arm over eyes.  The sun was up, but I wasn’t ready to wake up.  I needed more than three and a half hours of sleep to operate properly.  I shot her a text about the alarm and then sat for a minute, waiting for her reply.  Two minutes later I got one.

**Mikasa (7:08AM): Jean goes running early in the mornings.  He’s invited me more than once.  Didn’t you used to go running?**

I groaned and typed out my response.

**You (7:12AM): I had a cold that turned into two research papers**

**You (7:12AM): Am I supposed to go find him**

**Mikasa (7:14AM): Bingo.**

I snorted and flung my phone on the bed next to me.  I wasn’t going to actively seek out Kirchstein the day after I yelled at him in front of the astronomy building.

It turned out that it was Jean who found me, almost two weeks later.  I was sitting under a tree eating a granola bar and people watching when someone’s knees suddenly blocked my view.

“Jaeger,” I looked up to see who had called my name.

“Kirchstein,” I had to keep myself from sneering.  I reminded myself that my sister didn’t care that he’d asked her out.  “What do you want?”

“Can I sit down?” he pointed next to me.

“Whatever,” I pulled my backpack towards me and shoved the granola wrapper inside.  Jean dropped his bag and settled next to me.  He didn’t say anything right away.

“Look, dude, if you’re just gonna sit next to me, I’m gonna go.” I brushed my pants off, despite there not being dirt or crumbs and started to get up.  Jean’s hand was suddenly around my wrist.

“No, sorry, I was just thinking about what I wanted to say.” He shook is head, letting me go, “I keep seeing Mikasa with Annie.  I think I figured it out.”

“Oh,” I looked away, feeling guilty despite myself.  “I introduced them when Annie came to visit me in the summer.”  I didn’t owe Jean fucking Kirchstein anything, why was I telling him this?

“That’s good to know, I guess.”  A few seconds passed and then, “I didn’t really expect her to say yes, anyway.” I snorted.  “I didn’t want her to say yes, actually.”

“The hell, dude?” I looked over at him again, my mouth twisting.  I was confused, but before I could cause a scene he started talking again.

“I just wanted to get closer to you, Eren.” He said, blushing.  His arms were folded on top of his knees and he hid his face there.

“The _fuck_ , dude!” I yelled, and the people around us looked over.  I flipped them off as I gathered my things and started getting up.

“Eren, wait! I’m sorry!” Kirchstein said, grabbing my wrist again.

“Jesus, let me go!” I yanked my arm away from him.  He looked at me, and I was not letting _Jean fucking Kirchstein guilt trip me into listening to him._

“What?” I hissed, angry and very close to hitting Jean.

“I’m sorry.”

“You said that.  I’m asking what the hell?”

He sighed and leaned back on his forearms, “You’ve liked people who are obviously terrible for you, right? Who are kind of toxic?”

“Excuse me? What the ever loving fuck is that supposed to mean?” He was looking up at the tree branches, at the leaves just barely hanging on.

“I don’t mean you’re toxic, necessarily, I just…” he trailed off and then turned his head to me, “You don’t like me, Eren.  And I can’t figure out why.  And I really like you.  _And I can’t figure out why._ ”

I was getting more and more uncomfortable as Jean talked.  I had no problem with gay.  Armin wasn’t straight, Mikasa wasn’t straight, but I felt like someone in our circle of friends needed to be straight.  And that was me.  I was straight.

“Eren?” Jean started to reach over to touch me but I jerked back.  I was straight.

“I’m not gay,” I said dumbly, not quite sure why I had to validate myself.

“Eren,” Jean started but I cut him off.

“I’m—I mean, have nothing against anyone who is, alright! I’m just, I mean I don’t think I’m--” I was stuttering and confused (again) and I was _not gay_.  Especially not for Jean.  I felt something on my hand; I glanced down to see Jean’s hand covering mine.

“Eren, it’s okay if you don’t like me. I don’t hate you, so if that’s why you’ve been so hostile…” Jean shrugged next to me.  I was still trying to figure out how to answer him.

“I’m not gay.” I repeated, but was that true? I had decided for myself since Mikasa and my two good friends were gay, and somehow many of my friends weren’t straight I _couldn’t also be gay._

“I really just wanted to get this off my chest.  It sucks, whatever you’re dealing with, but hey,” he smiled sadly, “at least I told you.”  Whatever I was dealing with? I wasn’t dealing with anything.  What the fuck was Jean talking about.

He took his hand off mine and got up.  “Bye, Eren.” Jean waved at me and walked towards the bookstore.  I waved back absentmindedly.

I was not gay.  I was not gay.  I was not gay.  _Fuck Jean fucking Kirchstein._

Apparently I didn’t have everything as sorted out as I thought I did.


	2. Time to Pretend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This is our decision to live fast and die young.  
> We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.  
> Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do?  
> Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?"- MGMT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are happening!

Over the next few days I tried my best to act like nothing had happened, that I was still capable of saying I hated Jean; but Armin was incredibly perceptive.  He noticed how I avoided talking for too long and whenever Jean walked by I made a point to either hide or walk in the other direction.  After five days of this Annie, most likely prompted by Armin, cornered me by the vending machines in one of the lecture halls.

“What did Kirchstein say to you?”

Annie had one arm flung up against the wall, blocking any escape.  Despite the fact that I had several inches on her she was a force to be reckoned with.  I didn’t intend on trying to get away for my own sake.

“He _likes_ me.” I spat out.

Annie removed her arm and I started to walk away, not wanting to talk about Jean.  I heard her follow me through the hall and out to the circle of benches least frequented by smokers.  I unwrapped my granola bar and chewed in silence, angry that Annie wasn’t miffed in the least.  She stood in front of me, tapping her foot impatiently.

“What?” I asked around a mouthful of food.

Annie flinched at the sight of mashed up oats in my mouth, then sat down next to me.  “What’s wrong with Jean liking you?”

I chocked, coughing on the sharp edges of the stupid granola bar.  “I don’t like him back?” I managed to wheeze out in between digging around for a water bottle.  Annie silently handed me hers and I gratefully took a swig.  “Eugh, thanks.”

She shrugged.  I could tell she was thinking, though, she had her thinking expression on.  “Eren, I know you try and be super heterosexual, but I don’t think you are.”

“What the hell, Annie? Isn’t in the gay handbook that you’re not supposed to assume who other people like?” She gave me a look that could probably kill a man.  “Jesus, sorry.  But, still, I thought you weren’t supposed to do that on principle.”

“Your sister is gay, your two best friends are gay, Reiner and Bertholdt are gay, even Marco is gay.  You’re surrounded by gay, Eren.  I wouldn’t be surprised if you were a little gay, too, considering the company you keep.” Annie took her water bottle back and drank a little before continuing, “No one would be upset if you liked guys.  You are the _only one_ who is getting worked up over this.”

“Yeah, because I’m not gay!”

“Shut up, I know you are basically in love with Marco.”

“No! Oh my god, Annie, I just think he’s really cool.”

“Your bromance isn’t fooling anyone.” She screwed the cap back onto the bottle and shoved into her bag.  Still rooting around, her next statement shocked me, “Do you know how often you stare at other guys’ butts, Eren?” My mouth dropped open in shock.  _What was she talking about?_

“I don’t do that!” Shit, did I? Was it obvious? It had to be if Annie was noticing.  But Annie was unnaturally perceptive.  I shouldn’t trust her word.  I pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes until I saw stars, rubbing fiercely, trying to get a grip on the situation that was quickly spinning out of control.  She reached over and removed my hands from my face.

“I have class, Eren.  I’ll talk to you soon, okay?” Annie got up and looked at me, “Stop being a dick about this.”

“Yeah, okay,” I wasn’t really paying attention to her.  I was trying to remember if I looked at other guys’ asses as much as Annie made it seem like I did.  But, what was so wrong with that? What was wrong with admiring another guy’s butt?  That wasn’t a definitive answer to me being gay.

“What the hell…” I muttered, hitting myself on the forehead.  I wasn’t gay.  I had established this.

I stood up and stretched, glancing around me.  Campus was mostly dead, everyone had class it seemed.  Either that or they were smart and were staying inside.  The temperature had dropped considerably in the past week.  I should have put on a warmer coat.  My gaze landed on a figure hurrying down one of the sidewalks.

Shit.  It was Jean.  How did I manage to find the one person I was trying so hard to avoid? He looked in my direction and I froze, not sure if he’d seen me.  His eyes narrowed and I realized he _had_ recognized me.  But instead of confronting me, he turned his reddening face away and started walking more quickly.

I blinked.  That was weird.  It wasn’t like Kirchstein to avoid a fight when he could.  I opened my mouth to shout at him, and then snapped it shut.  I was avoiding Kirchstein.  I wasn’t talking to him because he liked me.  I turned around and headed toward my next class.

 

“Armin,” I gasped out, having run to meet him for dinner at a deli a few blocks from the school, “sorry man.  I was stuck talking to Hanji after class.  She wants to know if I’m going to be doing any of the social experiments for her class.” I dropped my backpack next to my seat.  Armin just shrugged, nonplussed by Hanji’s strange requests.  As far as professors went, she was one of the kookier ones and for her social science class she had told us that, for extra credit, we could “break a standard rule of society and write a paper about our experiences.”

Samuel had raised his hand to ask what some examples were, and Hanji had grinned devilishly.  “Dressing in drag for a day, something along those lines,” was all she would give us.  Samuel’s spine straightened and he had looked down at his notes.

“Eren, I’m going to go order?” Armin nudged me, waiting for an answer.

“Yeah, here.” I shoved a ten-dollar bill at him.  I needed the points in Hanji’s class.  It wasn’t enough to be one of her more liked students.  That never got me better scores on her tests.  I just wondered what I could do that Hanji would deem acceptable to meet the requirements of her assignment.  She had been incredibly vague about the whole thing.

Armin returned with two soft drinks and a number for the table.  He handed me my root beer and sat back down.  I looked at my best friend.  My best friend who was gay.  My best friend who didn’t ever judge me because I didn’t know what a filter was.

“Hey Armin,” I started, “how did you know you were gay?”

Armin regarded me, sitting across from him and chewing on my straw, his eyes widening.  He opened and closed his mouth like a fish for a few seconds before taking a sip of his drink.

“Why are you asking?” he asked cautiously.

I fiddled with the paper from my straw, avoiding his eyes, “I mean, I’m just curious.”

He looked toward the window facing the street.  It was still fairly light out.  “I just never liked being with girls.  I don’t know what to tell you.  It’s not like you can take a test and have your answer.”

“Yeah, but-” I started but Armin cut me off, “Is this about Jean?” he stared me down and I shifted in my seat.

“Maybe.”

“Eren,” he said, exasperated, “what did Jean say to you?” I groaned.  It was bad enough having to explain what had happened to Annie.  She at least could be blunt and get her point across.  But Armin was all about feelings and why I felt the way I did.

“He just made me feel really awkward, I guess.” I said nonchalantly, but Armin wasn’t satisfied.

“What did he say? Or was it something he did?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You talked to Annie!”

“She was gonna beat me up if I didn’t!” I leaned back in my chair, suddenly wishing I were anywhere else.  One of the employees set our food down in front of us and took the number away.

“I told Annie to talk to you.” Armin absentmindedly stirred his soup and I frowned at my sandwich.  “But when I asked her what you said, she wouldn’t answer me.  She said I had to talk to you.”

“At least she respects my privacy,” I muttered around a chip.

“I’m not stupid, Eren, I can figure this out.” he started sipping at his soup, “I’m pretty sure Jean said something about being gay to you.  I’d even venture as far as to say he told you he likes you.”

“Wha- how?” I had completely lost my appetite at Armin’s revelation.

“Jean never really struck me as the type to date girls, especially once he asked Mikasa out.  She’s terrifying.  And now you’re asking me about how I know I’m gay? Well, for one I much prefer looking at men than women when they’re naked.”

“Armin, stop-” I tried to apologize for not telling him.  I also hadn’t needed to hear that last sentence.  But he kept going.  He was worked up over this.

“No, listen to me.  You’ve never dated another guy.  I’ve gone out with guys and girls.  And I never liked how I felt when I was in a relationship with a girl.  Eren, you’ve never even been in a real relationship!”

I grumbled around my sandwich as I listened to him.  It wasn’t my fault I never had the opportunity to date anyone.  I always had too much on my plate and there was never a girl that caught my attention for too long.

“So you’re saying I need to date a girl to reaffirm my heterosexuality?” I asked.

“No, oh my god you completely missed my point.  Jesus.” Armin held his head, getting sick of trying to explain to me whatever he was trying to explain.  I was lost.  “What I’m saying is if you’ve never been with a guy- or even a girl- how do you know what you like?”

“That’s so backwards!” I spat out, getting aggravated.  “I just don’t think I’d like a guy!”  It was my turn to hold my head in my hands.  “Annie reminded me why I don’t even entertain the possibility; because my sister and two very good friends are all gay.  By extension, somehow, I’m friends with _a lot_ of people who are gay.” Armin’s face was unimpressed.  “I feel like I have to be straight in this fucking group.”

“Really? You _have_ to be straight?” Armin was laughing at me now, “What is the absolute _worst thing_ that could happen if you did like men?”

“I don’t know, I just can’t do it.” I sighed, glad Armin wasn’t angry.  “That can’t be me…”

“So are you doubting yourself, now?”

I shook my head.  But then I thought about how Annie had said I looked at other guys’ butts pretty often.  It bothered me.  “Do I stare at people’s asses a lot?” I wondered aloud.

“Eren, you talk about the appearance of men more than women and make comments about men more than women.” Armin answered.  “Mikasa and I have a bet going on for who you’ll sleep with first.  I say you’re waiting for Petra notice you, Mikasa says you’re going to have angry sex with Jean.”

“That is so uncalled for,” I put all my trash on my plate, frowning, “what does Annie say?”

“She said we should stay out of your business but is pretty sure you’re gay.”

“I’m not gay!”

“The more times you say it, the more homophobic you sound.” Armin chided me.

“I’m sorry.  I just… with Kirchstein?” I snorted, “Never Kirchstein.  Maybe Marco-” Armin started smiling wickedly while I tried to back peddle.  “I mean, if I had to sleep with a guy it’d be Marco, but only like, life and death.  Oh my god, just kill me.”

“I knew it.” Was all Armin said before picking up his drink and heading for the door.  I followed him silently.  He waited until we were a few blocks from the deli before he took out his phone and called someone.  I didn’t pay attention until he said, “Annie, you were right.  He said he’d do Marco.” _Shit._   I reached over, trying to grab it out of his hands but he swatted them away and started running ahead of me.  “Seriously, you told him Marco was gay? What if we set them up?” He was being loud just to embarrass me, I told myself.  “I’m not talking to Mikasa, you talk to her!”

My phone started vibrating in my pocket.  I pulled it out.  “MIKASA” was calling, no doubt to talk about my supposed crush on Marco.

“What?” I snapped when I answered.

“Someone’s testy,” she answered evenly.  “So, Marco.  Marco Bodt.  Do you have a thing for freckles or something?”

Armin had hung up his call to Annie and was watching me, smiling.  I lifted my arms up in the air at him, “No, I don’t.  I don’t like Marco like that.  I was saying hypothetically-”

Wrong words.  “Hypothetically, if I could get him to go out on a date with you- just one- would you accept?”

“I don’t know.” I responded honestly.

“Eren Jaeger, call me a matchmaker.  I am going to get you and Marco dating.” She was yelling and I was sure she was with Annie.  They were going to humiliate me.

“Mikasa, don’t-” But she’d already hung up.  I spun to look at Armin.  “You’re dead to me.  Our friendship is dead to me.” I stalked past him to get to my dorm, his laughter ringing out behind me.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Eren!” He called out and continued walking.

 

I wasn’t mad at Armin and he knew that.  I wasn’t mad at anyone.  I was just confused; all of a sudden going out with Marco sounded really nice.  I had butterflies in my stomach for Christ’s sake.  I sat on my bed, curled into a ball.

“Maybe I’m a little gay.” I whispered to my empty room.  Would it be so bad to be gay? I thought about any of the girls I had liked over the past few years.  None of them seemed remotely worth the time to devote a relationship to.  That was harsh.  I just wasn’t terribly attracted to any of them.  I thought about the guys I’d been friends with, how much more interesting they seemed.  No, that was wrong.  I didn’t think the girls were disinteresting; I just didn’t want to date any of them.  Or fuck any of them.

“Shit.” I thought back to some of my high school teachers, specifically them male ones.  I wouldn’t admit it to myself at the time, but I had a crush on one of them.  I realized two years later.  “I’m so dumb.”

I was pretty sure I was gay, but there was no way in hell I was telling anyone.

 

A few days later I was just about to leave Hanji’s classroom when she called over to me.  I sighed and walked to her desk, piled high with papers she was supposed to get around to grading but never did.  If it weren’t for the Internet I wouldn’t know what my grade in her class was.

“Have you decided what you’re going to do for your social experiment?” Hanji looked at me over the top of her thermos.

“No, I mean I have a few ideas but I don’t know if they’re what you’re looking for…” I mumbled.  I didn’t want to talk to Hanji about this, because I had one idea that I was sure would be doable as well as acceptable for her project.  “I don’t think I’m going to do the extra credit.”

“You’re a terrible liar, Eren, let me just say that.” Hanji was scary good at reading other people and now _was not the time to be in her crosshairs._

“How do you mean?”

“You have a very good idea of what you want to do.  I know it.” Hanji pushed her glasses onto the top of her head.  “Just tell me, I’m sure it’ll be fine!”

“I uh-” How was I supposed to tell my college professor that I wanted to try sleeping with a guy for my project?  It would kill two birds with one stone, anyway.

“Spit it out, Eren!” Hanji hit me on the arm and sat on the edge of the desk.

“Gay sex!” I blurted, then immediately blushed.  _No fucking filter._

Hanji’s smile didn’t falter.  In fact, if I had to guess, it only grew wider.  “I think that would be a very interesting topic for you, Eren.” And, somehow, with that I was dismissed.

Somehow I was getting the feeling that she was in cahoots with my sister.  Mikasa took her pride very seriously.  I didn’t put it past her to talk to Hanji.  I also didn’t put it past her to have her friends try and set me up with Marco because lo and behold there he was, walking towards me.  I tried to twist the scowl on my face into something more friendly, but my mouth just twitched instead.

“Hey, Marco,” I greeted my friend, still trying to get my expression under control.

“Oh, hey Eren.” Marco returned my hello with a smile, “What’s with the face?”

“I’m pretty sure Mikasa and Hanji are working together to make me miserable…” I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

“Why would Hanji be talking to your sister?”

“Because Mikasa is smart and knows I’m not doing well in Hanji’s social sciences class.” Because Mikasa was trying to get you to go out with me was the real answer.

“Oh, well if you want any help I’d be glad to help you study.  I had her class last year.  I remember the content pretty well.” Marco smiled at me again and I damn near choked.  “Are you alright, Eren?” Marco was suddenly alarmed when I stopped breathing.

“Great, yeah.” I coughed, “I’d appreciate your help, Marco.” I smiled back at him and his sunny disposition returned.

“Alright,” he glanced at his watch, “shit, I have to run.  I’m going to be late otherwise.”  I waved as he jogged off.

Did I just set myself up for a date with Marco Bodt? Why was I so okay with that?

“Because you’re a little gay.” I whispered to myself as I walked to my last class of the day.

Goddammit, I really liked Marco.  Mikasa would be so pleased with herself when she found out what happened.  I pulled out my phone to call her before the story that reached her got twisted.

“Hi Eren,” She sounded surprised when she picked up.

“Yeah, hey, I just wanted to let you know that Marco is gonna be helping me with Hanji’s class.  That’s literally all that happened.” I wanted to yell at her for getting Hanji involved in her plan, but I needed to learn how to filter myself.

“About that, I’ve got some news for you…”

“What?” I narrowed my eyes even though she was across campus right now.

“Marco asked Jean out yesterday.  They’re going on a date, like, tomorrow.  That’s what he told Annie.”

“Are you shitting me?” I stopped walking in the middle of the hallway.  “What the hell.”

“Maybe it won’t work out?”

“You’re damn straight it won’t work out!” I gripped my phone tighter, “Marco is way too nice to be going out with Jean fucking Kirchstein.”

“Why do you care so much?” Mikasa said after a beat.  She only sounded curious.

“Because I’m a little gay.”

I hung up on her when she started laughing at me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't get over Eren saying "I'm a little gay."  
> I'm super sorry if there're any editing errors. It's 4:41 in the morning and I am terrible at catching my own mistakes. More importantly, how did I end up with so many pairings?


	3. I Can Feel a Hot One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I took it like a grown man crying on the pavement   
> Hoping you would show your face   
> But I haven't heard a thing you've said   
> In at least a couple hundred days   
> What'd you say?"- Manchester Orchestra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me so long to update this!  
> Does three chapters in mean I can put my tumblr up? It's erejeann.tumblr.com, come bother me about updates.

My phone buzzed again.  I ignored it again.  I didn’t even know who was trying to get ahold of me anymore.  I didn’t was to talk to anyone.  I groaned and tried to mash my face into my arms on top of my desk. 

I was heartsick, that’s what Armin said at least.  Annie had dropped by the day after Mikasa told me about Marco and Jean, took one look at my unwashed face, messy hair and rumpled clothes and sent me to the bathroom with a smack on the ass and the promise to “get me out of the loser dumps”.  I had stared at my face in the mirror, brushing my teeth.  I had dead eyes.  Why was this bothering me so much? I should be happy for Marco if I liked him so much, right? I slapped my face and took my shower and went back to Annie.  What she had planned ended up being us sneaking into a party. I’d sat against a wall with a beer in my hand for most of the night.  Mikasa met up with Annie after about half an hour of us being there and she glanced at me before saying, “You look like hell.” After that she and Annie had disappeared to do lesbian things.

I left after several more beers and I didn’t know how many shots of tequila, _visibly_ inebriated and feeling it with every step home I took.  And now I was nursing a shit hangover and avoiding messages from my friends. I didn’t need pity from them; although, knowing my sister and Annie, I wasn’t going to get very much sympathy. Armin would be the one to look at me sadly, shake his head and hand me a bottle of water.  But I didn’t want any of that.  I wanted to suffer alone.

It was Saturday.  There wasn’t class on Monday.  I was working my through an ungodly number of trig problems due Tuesday as punishment for my hangover. As I submitted the last question and looked at my score I nearly cried.  If I wanted to pass the assignment I would have to do most of them over and I wasn’t sure my pounding headache could handle that.  I stood up and shut my laptop, swaying slightly. My equilibrium wasn’t one hundred percent yet.  I glanced at my phone, lying innocently next to the computer.  It buzzed again, making me cringe at the noise.  I purposely had it facing upside down so I couldn’t tell who was trying to contact me.

I gave in when it vibrated again and picked it up. “ **26 NEW TEXT MESSAGES”** greeted me when I unlocked the screen. I sighed and opened my messages. Ten from Armin, seven from Mikasa, five from Annie, one from Bertholdt, one from Reiner.  Annie probably mentioned something to them. I scrolled, looking for the other ones, and nearly dropped my phone in shock.  There were two from _Marco._

I tapped on his name first, ignoring my sister and best friends.

**Marco (2:51AM): Eren, are you alright? I saw you walking last night and you didn’t look too great. Let me know if everything’s ok!**

**Marco (4:05PM): Just checking in again to make sure everything is alright and to see if you wanted to talk.**

I sat down on my bed, hitting my head with my phone. I wanted nothing more to talk to Marco. Sunshiny, handsome Marco Bodt. But he was going out with Jean and I had a crush on him and I was heartsick because of the two things in conjunction with each other.  I stopped hitting myself and looked at the phone screen.

**You (6:39PM): Hey Marco, I’m fine.  Had a couple drinks last nite.  Thanks tho**

I hit send and thought about turning my phone off but before I could do anything it vibrated again.

**Marco (6:41PM): Do you need to talk about anything? It looked like more than a few drinks. You sure you’re ok?**

I wanted to text him back and tell him why I had been drinking so heavily, I really did.  But that would involve telling him that I liked him and I didn’t think I could go through with that.  All of a sudden my phone started ringing.  _Shit Marco, why’d you have to call now?_

“Hello?” I answered carefully.

“You sound like death,” he was laughing.  He had a great laugh.

I rubbed at my eyes, grumbling into my phone, “Yeah, probably has nothing to do with getting smashed at Krista’s last night.”

“Oh yeah, how’s the hangover?”

“I feel like I have an elephant sitting on my head.” I said truthfully. But I also felt like something was wrapped around my lungs each time Marco spoke.

“Greasy food is supposed to be a great cure for hangovers. Want to go get dinner?”

He said it so nonchalantly.  He had no idea that my heart skipped nearly three beats and I felt like the wind got knocked out of me. “Eren, you there?”

“Yeah!” I covered the silence on my end with a cough.  He gave me an address about 15 minutes from school and I told him I would meet him there after seven.

 

“What the _fuck_ do I wear?” I had immediately called Annie after I got off the phone with Marco and now she was sitting in my room, looking bored and playing a puzzle game on her phone.

“Jeans and a button up.  Don’t try too hard.” She didn’t even look up from her position on the top bunk.

“I wear that almost everyday.” I kept rubbing my eyes, willing my headache away.

“Yeah, and you’re not going on a date with him, are you?” Her phone dinged as she moved to the next level.  “He’s buying you a pity dinner because you and your hangover are pretty pitiful.” She frowned at the level she had reached, swiping furiously at the screen.

“Can I wear a hat?”

“Don’t wear a fucking hat, you look like a loser when you wear a hat.”

“I do not.” I mumbled as her phone dinged again.

Ten minutes later I was in my cleanest jeans and my least wrinkly shirt and I still felt inadequate.  “Remind me to do laundry more often,” I sighed as I locked the door to my room.

“I gave up on that two weeks into sophomore year.  Mikasa is your surrogate mom, not me.” Annie answered, shoving her hands in her coat pockets.  She walked with me until she got to her building and nodded a goodbye. I kept walking until I was off campus. Two blocks away I pulled my phone out to let Marco know I was on my way. 

The cold air helped my head considerably and I lamented the fact that my room was so stuffy most of the year.  I took deep breaths, trying to encourage my good mood to return.

I got to the diner a little after seven-thirty.  Marco was inside, sitting in one of the booths.

“You don’t look half as bad as you sounded on the phone,” he said by way of greeting as I slid in opposite him.

“Thanks so much,” I huffed, crossing my arms, trying to look cool despite my incredibly sarcastic response.  I glanced around; I had never been here before, which was impressive. I tried to avoid campus food as much as possible and that meant I’d been to almost every restaurant or food establishment (because Taco Bell was not a restaurant, no matter what anyone said) in walking distance.

“This is a neat find, I’ve never been here.” I said to Marco, looking at the counter and barstools.

“Wow, I managed to impress foodie Jaeger.” Marco was a person who laughed a lot. Marco had a laugh that you could listen to for hours.  I wanted to be the reason he laughed.  Right now he was the reason I blushed.

“What the hell, who said I was a foodie?”

“Your vendetta against fast food, for one.” He had me there.

“Whatever. What’s good here?” I tried to steer the conversation away from me. Ideally I wanted to talk about Marco, but I could talk about food just as easily.

“Get a burger.  I will never speak to you again if you don’t get a burger.” Marco was suddenly serious as he pulled the menu out from between the napkin dispenser and the wall. “I’m getting one with bacon on it because I missed breakfast and brinner is a real thing.”

I laughed, “Brinner?”

“Breakfast-dinner.” He handed the menu to me, our fingers brushing.  Shit.

I jerked my hand away to glance at my options but none of the words made any sense.  I kept coming back to the fact that I was eating dinner with Marco.  My face must have been pretty scrunched up because Marco spoke up.

“Hey, what if I order for you?”

“Huh?”

“I come here pretty often, I know the menu.”

“Sure,” I sincerely hoped he was ignorant about what ordering food for someone else meant.  The server swung by and I asked for a root beer and Marco asked for iced tea and two burgers.

“Sure thing sweetheart,” the twang in her accent rang out as she winked at Marco.  When she set down our drinks in front of us she told us the food would be out soon. She glanced over at me and back to Marco and smiled.

“So,” I spoke carefully, “You’re going out with Jean now?” _No filter._   Shut up shut up shut up.  Even when I was trying to be cautious I ended up saying shit like that.

Marco’s smile faltered just long enough for me to notice. “What? Shit man, sorry. I didn’t mean to bring it up.” I tried backtracking, watched him stir his drink.

“It’s fine,” he kept staring into his glass, “I like him, but I can tell it wouldn’t work.  He’s so abrasive.” I snorted in agreement.  Then it clicked.

“You’re _not_ going out with Kirchstein?” I said very quietly, avoiding his eyes.

“I’m taking you out to dinner, I’m not going out with Jean.” I looked at the painted brick wall, at the linoleum floor, anywhere but Marco. “A little birdie told me you like me. I like you too, Eren.”

I forgot how to breathe.  This was too sudden, too weird, too straight out of a movie.  The cheesy diner, the excuse to ask me out to dinner, Marco’s smile.  I was suffocating.

“I have to go.” I scrambled out of the booth, peeled a ten-dollar bill out of my coat pocket to throw on the table.  I ran out of the diner with Marco’s “Eren, wait!” ringing out after me.

I was two blocks away before I stopped running.  My phone hadn’t rung once.  I was taking shallow breaths, leaning against a building. The streetlamps had flickered on and I squinted in the light.  I needed to get back to school, to my room.  I needed to lock myself up, why had I gone out? I was not gay, I was not gay, _I was not gay._

_I feel like I’m going to puke,_ I thought right before I did. Graceless, on the side of the road, throwing up because I was afraid to like another guy back. I was afraid to acknowledge it, because if I acknowledged it that meant it was true, it was real.

I retched into the street and cried.

An hour later I stumbled into my room.  The reason I got to keep it as a single instead of a double after my roommate dropped out was because it actually is a single. It’s an anomaly. Kind of a reject. I put my hand on the wall, looked around at the small space and felt tears start up again.  The fucked up kid got the fucked up room. I punched the cinderblock wall, felt the satisfying _crunch_ of bones against it.  I cried harder.

I took off my coat, my shirt, my shoes and socks, my pants until I was naked except for my underwear.  I crawled under my comforter and cried some more.  I was not gay, I was not gay, _I was not gay._

I fell asleep to that mantra.

When I woke up it was still dark.  I groped for my phone and checked the time.  It was two thirty in the morning.  My face was itchy from tears.  I hiccupped once, twice, and buried my head in my pillow.  Then I unlocked my phone to make a call.

I felt my heart drop lower and lower the more times it rang. Right before I would have been shuttled off to voicemail, a quiet voice answered, “Eren, are you alright?”

I started sniffling again, tears welling up in my eyes, “Mika,” I broke down.

My sister was silent on her end, breath catching when she heard me call her by her childhood nickname.  “Eren,” her voice wasn’t above a whisper, “what’s wrong? What happened?”

I let the tears flow and somehow managed to tell Mikasa about how I ran out of the diner and left Marco and how _I couldn’t be gay._   She didn’t say anything, occasionally making a noise to indicate she was still listening.

Towards the ends of my rant I wasn’t talking.  I had started hyperventilating and repeating “ _Mika, Mika, Mika,”_ when I had enough air to say anything.

“Eren,” Mikasa was always quiet when I was like this, “I’m coming over, okay? Who’s on RA duty tonight?”

It took me almost two minutes of gasping and clutching at my chest before I could tell her, “Shultz.”

“Okay. Now, Eren, keep _breathing,_ I’m going to hang up the phone now. I’ll be there as soon as I can. I will be there soon.” I nodded, forgetting that she couldn’t see me across campus.  She ended the call and I fumbled to turn on a light.  I didn’t want to be in the dark.

Mikasa was strong.  She had to be the strongest person I knew.  She’d lost both of her parents in an eight-car pile-up in the middle of winter when she was only five.  My dad is her godfather and stepped up immediately to take care of her.  Within six months my parents had adopted her and suddenly my childhood best friend was my sister.  And she was strong.  Is strong. Stronger than me. She cried at her parent’s funeral, but never cried for them again after that.  She was only five.  And here I am, nineteen and crying about liking another boy.  Mikasa first kissed another girl when she was fourteen during a game of spin the bottle and then went out with her for five months.  And here I was, _nineteen and crying about liking another boy._

I heard the key turning in the lock in my door and Mikasa peeked her head in.  She had her glasses on and her hair was a mess on top of her head.  She had one of Annie’s sweatshirts on.  She’d left Annie to come see me.  My sister was strong.  She saw me shivering in my underwear with my comforter wrapped around me with my eyes puffy and red. Her shoulders sagged.

“Oh Eren,” she set her bag on the ground and sat on the bed next to me. I was still hyperventilating and at this point I felt like I was about to pass out from the lack of oxygen. She pulled me close to her and started fixing the covers that had fallen off my far shoulder.  “What am I going to do with you?”

“Mika, how are you so strong?” I asked after some time. I was hiding my face against her shoulder but she heard me.

“I have the best friend and brother in the world to help me stay strong. I don’t need anyone else.”

A beat.

I looked at my best friend and sister, “How do I become strong like you?”

The soft smile she’d been wearing fell from her face. “You have to face what makes you weak.” She fixed the covers around me again, “You’re strong, Eren, you just need to conquer what you think makes you weak.”

“What makes me weak, then?”

“Your need to be perceived as strong.” Her voice was steely and I wondered who put that steel there.  Mikasa let me sit like that, with her arm around me and the blanket around me, wasting electricity because the lights were on, until I fell asleep again. Having someone else next to me, the sound of her breathing calmed me down considerably.

Mikasa had been dealing with my panic attacks for twelve years; my mom couldn’t talk me down from them, or even my father, the doctor. Only Mika.  But when I woke up she was always gone.  When we were younger she was back in her room. My senior year of high school she commuted to Shiganshina Community College so she was still close, but when I went away to Sina she was so far away and my panic attacks became more frequent. Armin wasn’t Mikasa and I wasn’t going to ask him to sit with me while I was in my underwear.  Armin was strong, too, but not strong like Mikasa.

So when I woke up the next morning my sister was predictably gone and I felt worse than the day before with my hangover.  My stomach grumbled and I remembered that I had run out on Marco. I also hadn’t eaten anything in close to eighteen hours.  I looked around my room and, bless her soul, Mikasa had left one of those really good Kind Bars. There was a note underneath it with the kanji for courage and strength.  I snorted and tacked it to my corkboard above my desk.

I wasn’t going to call Marco, not just yet.  I had too much other shit to deal with right now. For instance, the ridiculous amount of trig problems due Tuesday.  I finished the Kind Bar Mikasa had left me and cracked my knuckles. I opened my laptop and stared at the first problem before I began typing.

 

I was halfway through when my phone rang.  I glanced at the screen, prepared to send the call to voicemail if the person calling wasn’t Mikasa, Annie or Armin.

“Hey man, what’s up?”

“What if Mikasa is right and you do need to go out with Jean.”

“What the fuck, Armin?” I felt my chest start to constrict, “Drop it.” I felt bad for snapping at him, but I couldn’t afford another panic attack.

“Then fucking call Marco so he stops calling me.  Poor kid thinks he fucked up big time.” Armin snapped back and hung up.

I felt like shit.  There was no easy way to tell Marco that I was having a gay scare and I wasn’t _actually_ gay.  I didn’t actually like men.  I was not gay. There was nothing else to it.

I took as much time to finish the rest of the questions. I looked at my phone after each one. I chewed on my lip when I submitted my homework and passed the assignment because now I had nothing to use as an excuse to not call Marco.

I took a shower.  I cleaned my room. _I did laundry_.  It was almost six o’clock.

I called Annie.

She started speaking before I even said hello, “You have to talk to him.”

“But why?” I could hear the nasally whine in my voice. I didn’t care.

“You owe it to him, you fucking twat.” She moved the receiver away from her mouth to yell at someone. “Reiner says that if you don’t he’ll use you as a chair.”

“I’m pretty sure you just told Reiner to do that the next time he sees me.”

“Whatever. Do you want two hundred-something pounds sitting on you?”

“You have no heart, Annie.” I was starting to reconsider my choice in friends.

I heard the phone being shuffled around.  Bertl spoke, “She has a lioness’s heart.”

“Yeah, don’t fuck with Annie Leonhart.” Reiner had grabbed the phone from Bertl. Then there were two loud _thwacks_ and some swearing before Annie spoke again.

“I don’t give out idle threats, Eren Jaeger.” And then she hung up.

I stared at my phone, very afraid.  But there was nothing I could do in my room.  It was the cleanest it had been since move-in day, my laundry was all done.  I’d showered, eaten, done all my assignments that were due this week.  There was _nothing_ I could use as an excuse to not call Marco.

I dialed his number, my heart already beating too fast.

“Eren?”

“Hey Marco,” I was not gay, I was not gay, _I was not gay._ “Sorry about yesterday.  I wasn’t feeling well.”

“Are you okay?” he sounded so concerned.  My chest got even tighter.

“Yeah, I think it was a weird food thing.” I had to lie.

“Do you want to try again today?” he sounded so hopeful. I was not gay, I was not gay, _I was not gay._

But how was I supposed to say no to handsome, sunshiny Marco Bodt?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this is an Erejean fic. I swear it.  
> But poor Eren. I'm gonna beat him up some more.  
> Would anyone object to a chapter from Annie/Mikasa/Armin POV?


	4. Imaginary Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've tried so hard  
> to be what you needed  
> Your imaginary enemy  
> I've tried for so long  
> to make you believe it  
> That I am not the enemy  
> Imaginary enemy"- Circa Survive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've moved! soryuu.co.vu

_Armin_  

“Eren thinks he’s having a gay scare,” Armin said, flicking through TV channels absentmindedly.  Erwin glanced up from the pasta he was boiling for dinner.  “He likes this friend of ours- Marco- but he won’t admit it to himself.  And Marco likes him, too, but he thinks Eren hates him now.”

Erwin left the stove (the noodles needed a few more minutes anyway) and sat next to his young partner.  “Is any of that really your problem?” He asked, stretching his arm over the back of the couch.  Armin leaned appreciatively into the touch.

“It is when both of them keep bothering me about what to do in regards to the situation.” Armin frowned, flicking more quickly though channels.  “Eren’s not having a gay scare.  I’m fairly certain he’s interested in men.” Erwin laughed at the sour note in the other’s voice.

“If you’re so sure then why hasn’t Eren acted on his feelings?”

“Because he’s scared.  Hence the gay scare.”

Erwin hummed in understanding and leaned over to slide the remote out of Armin’s grasp to turn the TV off.  “There’s nothing good on at seven o’clock on a Thursday night.”

“Right.” He laced his fingers in between Erwin’s and sighed.  The whole situation with his best friend was out of control and grating on his nerves and honestly, he was tired of being reminded of the bet he had placed with Mikasa and Annie.  If Armin were being truthful with himself, he would love to tell Eren to piss off and just kiss Marco already.  But he was too polite and conscientious of his friend’s feelings to speak his mind.  Every time Eren spoke about Marco his eyes lit up and he sat up straighter.  Eren looked how Armin felt when he was with Erwin.

His eyes fell to their linked hands.  It was such a strange partnership.  Erwin had left his job at the university for one as a marketing manager at a nearby company.  He worked more than when he was teaching, but he was happier and his departure from the university meant he and Armin could see each other without fear of Erwin losing his job in bad standing.  And Armin took twenty-two credit hours, often working through the night to complete his assignments.  Neither of them had very much free time, and when they did, they preferred to spend it with their friends instead of each other.  But when they were together they made the most of it, despite Armin’s lack of sexual interest and Erwin’s constant fatigue from work.  It was strange, but it worked.

Erwin kissed the top of Armin’s head and walked back to the kitchen.  The pasta had boiled over.  “I think you should stop worrying so much about your friend.  He has a good head on his shoulders and from what you’ve told me, usually makes the right decisions.”

“He’s going to hurt either himself or someone else in the process, though.” Armin brushed his bangs out of his face, “That’s what I’m worried about.  But I guess he’s not going to learn otherwise.”

Erwin laughed.  He didn’t laugh at Armin, or Armin’s concern for his friend, or even the fact that Armin was so concerned that he didn’t notice Erwin laughing.  Erwin laughed because he was happy to be in love with someone who cared so deeply about others.

***

_Annie_

Reiner dodged another punch.  He and Annie were in the gym for their weekly sparring match.  Another punch, another, another.  Annie landed a kick and Reiner swore.  He had ninety pounds and more than a foot of height on her but she could still pummel him into the ground.  Annie wasn’t in the gym to improve for herself; she was teaching her friend how to properly fight, and once Reiner had learned that she would teach him how to fight dirty.

But after an hour and a half of Annie landing kicks and Reiner earning more bruises, the two were sitting in front of an industrial sized fan, drinking water and breathing heavily.  This week’s match was over.  Annie sat with her elbows resting on her knees, periodically wiping sweat off her forehead.  Reiner was slumped against the wall behind them, watching Annie out of the corner of his eye.  She noticed and shifted to elbow him in the side.  “What?”

“Fuck!” Reiner flinched away and rubbed his stomach.  “I was just wondering if Eren had made a move on Marco yet.” He tried to move away subtly, but Annie stood up as soon as he finished asking his not-question.

“Eren hasn’t talked to anyone for close to three days.”

“Not even his sister?”

“Nope, not even Mikasa.” Annie’s brows furrowed without her noticing, “I can’t decide if I should be concerned or not.  It wouldn’t be the first time he disappeared.  But it’s never been after something like a rejection.”

“Wasn’t he the one doing the rejecting?” Annie glared at Reiner who held his hands up in surrender, “Alright, you’re right.  I’m just saying; Eren has a lot of problems he needs to work through before he should even consider doing the do with anyone.  Especially Bodt.”

“I can’t believe you just used the phrase ‘doing the do’ when you and Bert bang all the time.”  Annie took another drink from her bottle.  “Christ, who knew this was going to turn into such a shit fest and get everyone so worried?”

Reiner shrugged and went to stand as well.  Both partners walked towards the lockers to retrieve their belongings. Annie watched Reiner shrug on his oversized coat and hat and mittens.  “Mikasa meeting you here?” Annie nodded.

“We’re going to her apartment.” She said without looking at him.

They parted ways at the front of the gym.  Reiner walked towards his house and Annie tucked herself in between a barren planter and the wall to wait for Mikasa.

“You’re supposed to have been here by now,” she mumbled to herself, glancing down the sidewalk as the lamps started to light up overhead.  Going back to her puzzle game she shrugged.  Annie was never in any physical danger.

A few minutes later she heard the sharp click-clack of Mikasa’s riding boots on the pavement.  Annie smiled and shimmied out from behind the planter.  “Hey.”

“Hey,” Mikasa leaned down to kiss Annie on the nose, “let’s go, your nose is runny.”

“Gross.”

The walk back to Mikasa’s student-housing appointed apartment was short, but the girls held hands and leaned into each other despite the distance.  Mikasa held her keycard up to the building’s sensor and the door beeped open.

“Is the elevator still out of service?”

“I live on the second floor you goofball.”

“I spent the last hour and a half kicking Reiner’s ass, is the elevator working yet or should I harass maintenance when I leave?” Annie was grouchy and hungry.  Mikasa snorted.

“Maintenance isn’t going to do shit, even if you do harass them.” She held her keycard up to the sensor next to the door to the stairs.  _Beep._ “It’s one flight.”

Annie stomped the whole way up to the second floor.

“Is anyone else home?”

“No, Mina’s gone for the weekend, Hannah is spending the night with Franz and I’m not even sure where Historia is.” Mikasa replied, dropping her keys in a bowl near the door.  Annie dumped her bag on the floor and started to strip her gloves and coat off.  Mikasa slipped her arms around her as soon as all the offending layers where out of the way and Annie was only wearing what she had been sparring in.

Annie gently shoved the taller girl away, “No, I’m gross and hungry.  I’m going to take a shower and maybe eat a poptart.” She headed off to the bathroom Mikasa shared with Historia and Mikasa heard the water start up.  She sighed and went to make dinner.

When Annie emerged from Mikasa’s room, now wearing just a far too big sweatshirt and a pair of underpants, the kitchenette smelled like bacon.  Annie hoisted herself onto one of the barstools at the counter to see what Mikasa had made.

“BLTs?” she asked when she saw the tomatoes.

“Yep.” Mikasa slid a plate in front of Annie and leaned against the counter to eat her sandwich.  They didn’t talk.  Annie helped Mikasa clean up the kitchenette.  They didn’t talk.  They walked to the bathroom to brush their teeth and climbed into Mikasa’s bed and still didn’t talk.

“Has Eren said anything to you?” Mikasa’s voice was small against Annie’s back, and she could hear the little spoon’s sigh when she tried to answer.  “It’s hard dating one of your brother’s best friends.” She said after a moment, voice even smaller.

Annie shifted on the bed, twining her legs with Mikasa’s longer ones.  “I don’t think Eren’s really talked to anyone.  He’s trying to figure out what’s going on with Marco, I guess.”

“He really likes him, huh.”

“Yeah.  Why, he hasn’t told you?”

“He wouldn’t talk to me.  I’m his sister.”

Annie hummed, then rolled over to face Mikasa.  Her dark eyes reflected the half moon that was high in the sky.  “I’m glad we don’t need to figure anything like that out.”

Mikasa’s eyes crinkled, “Me too.”

At this point they didn't bother keeping track of who kissed whom first.  They just enjoyed it and held each other tighter.

***

_Eren_

Marco had suggested we hang out in his room instead of going out anywhere.  I thought it was a good idea.  Maybe then I wouldn’t have a panic attack and run away.  Maybe.  He didn’t explicitly call it a date, but I was sure he thought it was one.  It felt like a date.  I kept thinking about that word, “date”, all day.  I managed to fuck up putting on my socks when I got dressed and I didn’t pay attention to any of my classes.  I was going to have to borrow notes from someone.

As soon as I could, I ran back to my dorm and checked over my appearance in the mirror.

“I look like shit.”

How do I impress a cute boy when I’m trying to convince myself I don't like the cute boy? How do I weasel out of going to see the cute boy? What, exactly, is my problem?

I sat in my desk chair and spun around for the better part of ten minutes before I felt like vomiting.  I moved over to lie in the middle of my floor until the room stopped spinning.  It took longer than I thought it should.  I blamed my nerves.  And then, suddenly, it was 7:00 and I was leaving my room to walk over to Jinae Hall to see Marco and my legs were wobbly and I got lost despite having lived on campus for over a year.

I checked my phone.  He lived in 107.  I got lost again.

“Hey, Eren!” Marco was smiling when I finally turned up at his room.

“Hey Marco.” I was so quiet it was a miracle he heard me.  I walked into his room and looked around.  “Who do you live with?” Christ, this kid lived in a suite.

“I don’t think you know any of them? Marlowe, Thomas…” I stopped listening because he was right.  I didn’t know any of them.

“Where are your roommates then?”

“Out of town for the long weekend.  Krista’s apparently reconciled with Historia and they’re throwing a party at their cabin.”

“Huh,” so that’s why half the people I knew were missing.  I sat down on the couch in the common area of the suite.

Marco sat carefully on the opposite side of the sofa, a full cushion between us.  “Here,” he tossed me a controller, “are you any good at Smash Bros.?”

“I used to be and then my Gamecube became obsolete so my dad got rid of it.”

Marco snorted and turned the Wii on.  The click-click of the controller selecting the game and then the number of players was familiar.  It was normal.

I picked Samus.  Marco chose Kirby.

I lost three times before I won and by then I was laughing and swearing too hard to care that at some point Marco had stood up and reseated himself right next to me.

When I lost for a fourth time, I turned to Marco and punched him lightly on the shoulder, “I can’t be this bad.  You’re just a genius at Smash Bros., right?”

Marco laughed, eyes closed, covering his mouth so when he spoke it was muffled, “No, you’re just terrible.”

I slumped back against the couch and closed my eyes, “Well shit.” Marco laughed even harder.  I felt happier than I had in days. This was okay.  This was normal.

This was Marco putting his hand on my thigh and me jumping out of my skin.

“I’m sorry, Eren! I’m sorry!” I’d scooted away from him, backing up against the armrest. 

This wasn’t normal.  This wasn’t predictable or comfortable or what I had been expecting.  This was terrifying and awful and I was on the verge of crying even though I knew I was being unreasonable.

“It’s okay, Eren.  It’s fine,” his voice was soothing.  I wasn’t in any danger; I didn’t have to be so tense.  This might not be my norm, but it didn’t mean it wasn’t _normal._

“It’s okay,” I whispered, not trusting my voice.

“It’s okay,” Marco said quietly, reaching out to hold my hand.  I flinched when he started to move.  He was undeterred and soon my fingers were threaded through his and he was pulling me towards him and I decided that it wouldn’t kill me if I just leaned my head on his shoulder.  Marco’s free hand came up to stroke through my hair and I let out a sigh.

Leaning on a boy’s shoulder was so different from leaning on the shoulder of any girl I ever dated in high school.  Marco was much more solid and surprisingly gentle.

“Keep… keep doing that,” I turned my face so that my words were muted by Marco’s shirt, but he must have understood because his hand started to trace down my neck as well as through my hair.  Marco’s fingers were on my jaw, turning my face to his.  _Oh god,_ I thought, _he’s going to kiss me._

It was just a brush of his lips against mine.  There for barely a second and then gone.  By the time I had registered what had happened Marco’s hands were out of my hair and he’d let go of my fingers and he was picking up his controller to play another round of Smash Bros.  I was reeling.  I felt cheated.  I wanted more than Marco’s sweet kisses.

I wanted to prove something to myself.

“Eren, what’re you-"I cut him off with a closed mouth closed eyes kiss.  I must have looked desperate.  I snaked my arm out to take the controller from his hand and put it on the couch beside his leg and rejoined our hands.  Marco’s lips moved into a smile against mine and he took control of my half-assed attempt at a kiss.  My lower lip was between his and his other hand was moving under my shirt to caress my back.

I shivered.

I never realized how strong Marco was until he maneuvered me onto his lap and my thighs were on either side of his and both his hands were touching the hot skin on my back, fingers ghosting up and down my sides.  I wrapped my arms around his neck and grabbed fistfuls of his dark hair just as he broke the kiss.  Just when I started to protest, his mouth was on my throat, warm and wet and I couldn’t help the little noises I made.

And then I was spinning over and Marco was the one sitting over me and my back was on the sofa cushions and his mouth was back on mine, tongue pressing at the seal of my lips.  When I opened my mouth to let it in, he tasted like sunshine.  Handsome, sunshiny Marco Bodt.  I took my hands out of his hair to reach under his shirt, feeling taut muscles and nothing like the softness of a girl.  As my hands traveled farther, Marco kissed along my jaw.

I’d been too preoccupied with the kisses to notice anything happening below our waists until Marco pressed his hips to mine and I felt his dick grind down.  In between my gasp for air and my moan of pleasure, I shouted and pushed him off me.

“Stop, stop stop stop.” It had felt _good._   It wasn’t supposed to feel good because I wasn’t gay. 

But all those kisses and skin on skin and now I was so hard.  I clutched at my head in my hands, “No, no, no.”  I wasn’t gay; I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

“Eren,” Marco was so quiet as he reached out his hand to try and touch me.  I flinched away, violently.  I instantly regretted it and wanted to put my face back into his hands (anyone’s hands).

“I’m sorry Marco,” I couldn’t even look at him.  I was so fucked up, so fucking wrong and disgusting and Marco was perfect and I had to get out of there.

There was no going back now, though.  “This was a mistake, I’m _not gay.”_

Marco recoiled at that.  He didn't say anything right away.

“Eren, I think you should leave.”  Marco's voice didn't waver.  He smoothed his shirt down and fixed his hair, but his lips were still red and swollen.  And his face was so hurt.

_I did that.  I hurt him._ I yanked my own shirt back down around my waist and sat up, trying so hard not to cry.

“I’m so-" I tried to say before Marco cut me off.

“Leave now, please.”

I don’t remember the walk back to my building.  I don’t remember unlocking my door and collapsing on my bed.  I don’t remember anything except Marco’s expression.

_I ruined everything,_ was my last thought before I passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the last of the EreMarco you'll be seeing wow I am sorry to have been so MIA stay tuned for the next thrilling INSTALLMENT. I don't know how anything works.


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